The meaningless routine

Another Sunday, a regular one this time, unlike the last. I did a lot of long-pending chores that I had been avoiding for quite a few days, followed by a good amount of reading. As I sit down to write this, I am enjoying the relaxed mindset this has put me in. It's only in such periods of calmness that I think better.

I haven't posted anything on my blog for a week now. Not that this has been an unusually hectic week. I have had busy weekdays for a few months now. I still wrote actively, something that's not common for me. My lack of ability to ward off the stress to carry out my routine haunts me frequently. I am prone to fall into the clutches of bad habits when stressed. The habits that I am dodging. This week was no different in that sense.

Anyway, why didn't I write much then? This has got to do with my general lack of interest in doing anything productive recently. In doing anything at all, for that matter. I live the day as it comes, working on anything and everything that's in front of me. I have tried to give every day some structure. But it just doesn't work. What's worse? I always have a reason why it doesn't.

Some days, I tell myself I am too busy to read or write. Some days, I am too tired. Or too numb. I end every day with a promise (and a hope) that tomorrow will be different.

I always believed that if I gave my day a structure and routine, I would find inspiration to do what I love. I recently identified that this hasn't been working. But, I wrongly attributed it to my tendency to let my life muddle in my work. That awareness hasn't helped. I kept feeling like shit.

I do all the simple things without overcomplicating the problem. But I am unable to stop myself from doing the inessential.

Almost a month since I last wrote that, the shitty feeling hadn't gone away. Doing the simple things doesn't seem to be working, and I want to correct that. The first thing to go away is the forced facade of routine.

Early to bed and early to rise do nothing if I don't know why I am doing that. I need to figure out the what and why before fixating on the how. A "productive" routine cannot be the answer if I don't know the problem. And as of now, I don't think I know the problem that's plaguing me.